Not really sure why i am doing this probably because i am in the middle of hell right now.

I’ll just do the edited highlights.

i was born a month premature and nearly died, many times I go back to thinking how wonderful it would have been had that happened. I have 2 sisters one older and one younger and basically I was a replacement baby for my sister who died at birth in the same way I would have. My mother hates and has emotionally abused me all of my life whilst openly loving my siblings. it started when i was 4 at least that's when my memories begin, I was an intelligent child and my mother was threatened by me so telling my how stupid and unlovable i was pretty much a daily occurrences. I was the one who got smacked not my sisters my older sister is the perfect daughter and still is and my younger sister was a mistake that my mother tried to rectify and has been feeling guilty ever since and so my little sister could do no wrong. me however well I was always getting it wrong, I am dysphasic although it wasn’t heard of when I was a child and as such am very clumsy, this became another stick for my mother to beat me with. I could tell countless stories of abuse both emotional and physical but I don’t have the energy for that right now but it happened almost very day of my childhood.

my dad was pretty much non existent when I was a child but as an adult we grew close, he understood my depression because he himself suffered in silence, we talked for the first time a couple of weeks before he died, he had a massive heart attack no warning just went to sleep and never woke up. It’s been 10 years and I still haven’t come to terms with it and I don’t think I will.

i got diagnosed about 18 months ago but I had been in and out of the mental health system from being 16. i crashed at work physically, work was the only place where I knew who I was and was confident because I was exceptional at what I did, when I stepped into the office I became a different person, nothing phased me I had pressure coming out of my ears and thrived on it until after 9 years I burned out. I haven’t been back at work since, not for want of trying, they are bullying me to resign and an industrial tribunal is looming.

There is one person in my life who loves me for me, we met on another website about 17 months ago and although we had a rough time of it about a year ago, we came through it stronger. She is the one person who keeps me alive because I can’t bear the thought of not speaking or seeing her ever again. I worry my bpd will eventually drive her away and that scares me more than anything. We have a wonderful mutual friendship where we are there for each other, i am still learning how to be sometimes but she is patient. As a result i have been welcomed into her wonderful family, her kids are amazing and her husband has given me some amazingly thoughtful gifts, he has taught me so much and never makes me feel stupid for asking and that is just amazing to me.

I have a gorgeous 4 year old nephew who is the light of my life and soon i am to be an aunty again as my older sister is 27 weeks pregnant after 4 or 5 miscarriages.

My quest is for peace and I pray that that will come soon.