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Tuesday, 03 March 2015 11:00

Martina's Story

Written by 

Hey everyone,

I decided to post my story to you all, so that you would be able to understand me better. ***takes deep breath*** this may be lengthy....

Alrighty... To understand me, you first have to understand my parent’s backgrounds... First, My mom-- She grew up in a very abusive household. She have about 4 or 5 stepfathers, and they all were abusive. They beat her and her mother, brothers, and sisters. One of them shot her pet dog and her pet chickens in front of her face as a young child. One of her brother’s allegedly raped his sister, and another one attempted to hang his other brother. My Mom is depressed, though she says she isn't. She is very sick and in major pain. She takes between 25-40 pills a day, depending on what her doctors prescribe her. About 12 of those pills are pain pills. She has a mystery illness that no doctor can identify.

Now, my Dad... My Dad is a Vietnam Vet. He had post traumatic stress disorder and bipolar disorder, as a result of Vietnam. He was in and out of the mental hospital throughout most of my childhood. Living with a Veteran with mental problems is not easy, as you can imagine. I can recall one time when I had to prevent him from jumping out of the car, because someone cut him off. I remember him beating my mother, I remember him hitting my sister with a hard plastic dolls head on Christmas day. I have very few memories of my dad during this time, but these are the most predominant.

One of my earliest memories has to do with my grandmother. The last man she married had beaten her up so badly, she was almost dead. I remember the broken windows, the blood all over the shards of glass and the white walls. It is a vision that is forever etched in my memory.

As a child, at the tender age of seven, I was already suicidal. I would take the butcher knives out of the kitchen drawer and hold them to my wrist. I have been severely depressed since this age. As I grew, I had a lot of problems controlling my emotions. There were plenty of tears shed throughout my childhood for trivial reasons, but I could not control it. When a teenager my anger problems began. I remember one time slamming my boyfriends (at the time) locker in his face because I was angry at something he said; I cannot recall what.

At 19 I was sexually assaulted. I will say it was by a "friend" of mine, who tried to rape me, and being unsuccessful, chose to do it another way that I will not discuss here.

Now I am 27. I've had seizures since I was two years old. A few times in my adult life, my father and I got into arguments, which once resulted in him choking me, and another time resulted in him striking my head against some concrete. He denies the choking, and says the other time was completely under his control, that he knew he wasn't going to kill me. I find this much worse. For that means he was trying to take control of me, and bring me down.

That is my story. I have borderline personality disorder, chronic depression, and social anxiety disorder. I'm convinced that at one time I myself had some sort of post traumatic stress. I used to have flashbacks of the events above. That’s my story.