why did you leave me and go away
why do I live with this pain everyday
why can't we talk and clear the air
why do you treat me like i'm not there
why do we mess up peoples lives
why do we cheat on our husbands or wife's
why is a word I say everyday
why did I mess up and scare you away
why do my moods come and go
why is the question, the answer I don't know

Although it's like looking
Through a blocked off funnel,
Believe me it's not-
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes it's like hitting
Your head off a brick wall,
But in the end you'll get there
And you'll feel ten feet tall.
And when you get to the end of the tunnel
It will be so bright
You'll find you have to rub your eyes,
And shield them from the light.
So, fear not:
You'll get there in the end,
Even though it is a long road
Down which you have to wend.

I had a friend a year ago,
Now that friend doesn’t say hello,
I often sit and wonder why,
But this often makes me cry,
To have a friend one minute, then their gone,
Is hard to handle for anyone,
It’s like being in grief, coz you didn’t say bye,
But you still can’t understand why,

When you try to talk, but they don’t want to know,
It’s for the best to try and let go,
It’s hard to give up on a friend,
But you will get hurt in the end,

Just as long deep, deep down,
That friend knows you will still be around,
If they ever need you there,
You will always care!

I’m sick of life what’s the way out
Just let me go I want to shout
Why let me live when I don’t want to
You take people away who really do
I suffer everyday of my life
Sometimes I think of using a knife
Pills, and alcohol are other ideas
I’ve been thinking of ways for years
Good people are taken everyday day
From their loved ones who want them to stay
Why not take me instead of them
Because I really wish that I was dead

That mouth is smiling at me now
But I thought I had forgotten how
It can't be me that's looking back
Who is she that has what I lack?
A stranger who has got it right?
One who's managed to win the fight?
How did she survive what I cannot?
She has every flaw that I have got.
Something's wrong but what is it?
There's something there that doesn't fit
It's in the eyes, I finally see
They're not smiling back at me

I look a bit harder and then I know
That the smile is just there for show
I do know the person that I can see
That's the person they all think is me

This must be the mask that I wear
To face them all so they don't stare
It hides my tears and my pain
But slowly it drives me insane

For a second there the mask slips
The smile begins to fade from my lips
But the moment passes and now it's back
I must be ready for the next attack

Smile and pretend, laugh and fake
I need to get home before I break
The tears spill out from my eyes
There's nothing left, I realise

Alone I wander to the cliff
I jump and then I'm lying stiff
The end is now and I'm alone
Wonder if they'll notice I am gone

What is this thing we call life?

Constantly issuing us with trouble and strife.

Is there such thing as heaven or hell?

On this thought many do dwell.

A whole universe still left to explore

Thinkers like me we want to know more.

Are there spirits all around us here on earth?

Or when people go is that it? What is life worth?

Can the dead see or hear us?

Is our existence enough?

People need to be more open minded

But instead their thoughts are just coiled and winded

People believe in just one thing

I am waiting to see what life will bring

How were we created? There is no proof

There are lots of theories, they could be spoof.

Some believe in God and the bible

Some in charms and ways of life, think tribal.

All different people believe in different gods & theories

Me? I just have many queries.

I want to find out and know

When I die where will I go?

Because I don’t believe in just one theory, I will give most a chance

By this where will I go? Where will I advance?

If only we could know, that when people go, when they exit this existence

If only we could know that they would have happiness and bliss

It would put our minds at rest

To know it was for the best

But until we know this we will always grieve

Maybe that’s why people believe; to help them with grief.

Until we know more and open that door,

We will never know what our existence is for.

Charlotte Sheppard

Why is my life such a mess?

Filled with all sorts of thoughts and stress.

I need to filter siphon and make sense

But instead it gets worse I get tense

Irritation impulsion emotional dread

So much goes on in my little head.

They give it a label call it BPD

What does it mean where does it leave me?

One day I wake up as happy as Larry

The next my head is sore and hard to carry

My shoulders can’t bear the weight

The feelings close in I feel I am going to suffocate

An internal scream needs to be heard

The angel the devil my thoughts are always third

They say you just need to learn control

But it’s much harder than they think or know

In your mind you know what’s right

But you can’t see past the fight to the light

I can’t filter siphon or decipher

To me I feel like a borderline lifer

I know deepdown that it’s not true

But where do I start what do I do?

My head says yes then it says no

If I am lucky sometimes all my thoughts go

I don’t mean to hurt or upset

When I do it leaves me in constant debt

Debt to guilt and bad feelings I shout I scream

I leave people reeling I am not a bad person

And everyday I fear it will worsen

All I can do is try and try

And hopefully that will make me the better stronger guy.

Charlotte Sheppard

Love is a very funny thing

Many different emotions it can bring

It can make you happy, it can make you sad,

It can make you feel good or make you feel bad

Love plays a big part in everyone’s lives

Without love the entire race would not survive

Love can be felt in so many different ways

So just remember to love for the rest of your days!

Charlotte Sheppard

I was abused as a child by a close family member from as far back as I can remember until I was old enough to turn around and put a stop to it, I'm convinced my mother knew?? I lived in a violent household where my dad was always drunk and always beat up my mum and my brother, but not the girls. I cried under my covers when he came home coz i was so scared and knew what to expect and I wet the bed until I was 16. I got involved with a lad at the age of 14 and continued in a relationship with him for 5 years just letting him cheat on me cause I was too scared and insecure to let him go. Straight after we split i met my husband and things were well until about 5 years ago he beat me up when he was drunk. I was scared to leave, maybe again through insecurity. Things got better. Then I met someone I fell in love with and had a 4 month affair, he walked away coz he couldn't handle my moods swings. I got pregnant and had a secret abortion, the father was the guy I had the affair with and I never told him. I tried to kill myself but I bottled it and am still here regrettably. I make friends then lose them because I such a bitch. in 2002 I was diagnosed as having pre cancerous cells on my cervix, although they were removed I got them back now I don't care if it kills me. Hey, this world would be a better PLACE.

Don't know what I've missed but that about sums up my shit life

I'm 23 years old now...i don't know where to start. Ok the basics: I was born in Houston, TX and I have an older sister who i love so dearly. My parents divorced when I was 5years old. I grew up with my reality of my family being my mother, my older sister, my grandparents (mom's parents) and my four maternal male cousins. We have all been so very very close and I owe my life to them. My mom moved the three of us (mom, sister and self) to San Marcos, TX; three hours away from Houston. I then only saw my Dad once a year, he disappeared and never once came to visit us.

I grew up always isolated, quite the loner. I started having extreme difficulty with moods and relationships with others as far back as 8 years old; although my mom says she noticed something when i was only 4 years old. Things got worse when i was 13. i began thinking of suicide, abusing drugs, and hurting myself. Since age 13, I’ve been on 16 different meds, 3 in-patient hospitalizations, and been on a quest to find a healthy and content way to live. I've also had every diagnosis you could think of, until it was for sure clarified a couple months ago that I have bpd, severe ptsd (from drug abuse and abuse from step-mother), generalized anxiety disorder, and it's still in question if I’m bipolar or not.

I moved to Seattle, Washington by myself when i was 19 after graduating high school at 16 years old. I did not know anyone up here. I needed a change of scenery, thinking that if I was around the mountains, the water and the fresh air that i could get better.

My dad remarried soon after my parents divorced. He then had two children (girls) with his 2nd wife. my older sister and I became very close with our two younger half-sisters and in turn became closer to my dad. The older of these two younger sisters, Shelby, passed away at 10 years old on June 4th 2003 from a brain tumour. I was at her side while she laid in her bed and passed away. I learned more about life and death in her last 4 days than i have in my entire life. My dad calls me everyday now, and we have a great relationship.

I've lived in Seattle now 4 years and I’ve gotten worse. However, strange to me that i ended up here where DBT was invented a mile away from my apartment. I'm now a research subject at the research facility where DBT was invented and I’m receiving DBT of free...interesting how things work out I guess. I've seen great progress some days and huge steps backwards other days. But I’ll get there.

I have found great compassion, inspiration and support from being a musician and from my friends (that includes everyone here), family and from working with other mentally ill patients for the past 5 years. I hope to get myself together enough to be able to finish college. I want to get a PhD in nursing and work with people with mental illnesses. I am now working my arse off and fighting so hard to get better. I've learned so much about life from having this disorder by having so much deep emotions, but I am past ready to live my life without so many interruptions.