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Joshua

Joshua

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:24

Scars

Making scars on my body only make the pain go away. Self-involvement with the unknown is a true deep secret. I must scar myself until all the pain goes away. Even if it means suicide. I don't know why the way I feel this way, it's just a lifestyle that I have come across in an early stage in my life. I just want to runaway and never say goodbye and I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why I have live my life this way. My life is like a flower that is slowly dying . It's a petal falling as if my life is just wasting away at nothing to believe in. Scars make everything okay, it helps me through the pain and suffering. Scars help me go through the agony that life has brought upon me. I just hope that one day that people realize when I'm gone that they're the ones to blame for my departure from this horrible place that they call home. The scar is to cut and the reason to cut is to bleed, and watch the blood drip fr4om the cut that you made into a scar as the pain slowly goes away. My life as a flower wasting away

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:23

Questioning Child

A ocean of questions, ebb on the edge of the sands of fear.

How come
nobody spoke gentle words to me?
How come
nobody looked into my eyes with care and attention?
How come
nobody touched without taking?


I am alone, I thought.
I am unloved, I felt.
I am unheard, I whispered.


I lay so still so that my heart might stop,
stop pumping blood around my body, so that I couldn’t feel,
stop feeding my mind, so that I wouldn’t think.


I am unlovable, I thought.
I am in pain, I felt.
I must try harder, I whispered.


I watched myself from a distance,
and then simply switched myself off
until the room was silent,
and my body was left in a heaped, bloody mess on the floor,


Am I dead, I thought.
Maybe I deserve this, I felt.
May this is the last time, I whispered

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:22

Paranoia

paranoia, paranoia is taking over me
everyone's laughing and their laughing at me
why are they talking behind my back

when I write to people why don't they write back
nobody likes me I'm sure that is why
when I send them an e-mail they never reply
their calling me names, they think I am mad
don't they realize that makes me sad

is it all true or just in my head
do all these people really wish I was dead
I'm convinced everyone's against me all of the time
this paranoia is taking over this life of mine

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:21

Mental Illness

Children shouting in the street:
You're a mental idiot! - What a treat!
They call me names their mothers taught them -
Oh, what ignorance, to heck with the lot of them!
But, strictly speaking, that's not true:
The stigma hurts me through and through.
Sometimes it makes me cry
When I hear a passer-by
Say: it's a sin
They've been in the loony bin!
The truth is one in four
That mental illness will land at your door.
It shows in many a different way:
Some people can't speak about the way that they feel,
Others shout and swear at passers-by.
It could be a chemical imbalance in the brain,
It could be that living is a strain.
No matter what the answer may be
They are all people - like you and me.

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:16

Little Girl

Little girl, little girl

Laughing and smiling
Big toothy grin
And sparkling eyes
Little girl, little girl
Hopping and skipping
Dodging the stones
And cracks on the ground


Little girl, little girl
Dancing and twirling
Golden hair shines
And pigtails fly free


Little girl, little girl
Running and jumping
Chasing butterflies
And pretending to fly


Little girl, big girl
Growing and stretching
Laughter grows scarce
And tears more frequent

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:14

I Sit In Silence

 

I sit in silence, thats just my life.
thoughts in my head, cutting like a knife.
people smile and try to be kind,
they never know what goes on in my mind.
how could they know, the despare that i feel.
i dont know myself, how to start to heal.
i've asked all the questions, the how and the why.
i just hit a wall, all i want to do is just die.
i've turned to god, in the midnight hour,
help me dear lord, you have the power.
remove the feelings of lost and dispare,
but my prayers just float, as there is no-one there.


The family worry, there,s lots of tears,
WHAT ABOUT ME, it falls on deaf ears.
HOW CAN YOU HELP ME, YOU DONT UNDERSTAND.
i try to explain, to make a stand.


I'm ill i say, on the inside not out,
my mind is not my own i begin to shout.
then more tears, on self pity i dwell,
if i killed my self, they will be happy in hell.


Then i see the upset i have caused all around,
the torment i have caused with out making a sound.
i thought i was doing right keeping it all inside,
but depression is EVIL and refuses to hide.


So i give in and go on the meds.
some days feeling like i had multiple heads.
laying in bed, wishing my life away,
but painting on my smile to meet the new day.


She must be getting well, i hear them all say,
when secretly inside i wish them away.
but still i smile and push it all down,
always a smile, trying never to frown.


I force it down so deep, i want to be sick,
watching each minute..tick..tock...tick.
the meds must be working, or so they are thinking
till i awake again with the feeling of sinking.


Why me? why my life? i scream in my head,
as i lay awake again in my hell called my bed.
this cant be it, this cant be all i have in my life,
each day having to lie, when it cuts like a knife.


Then i get well, my head feels like mine,
they must all be right, it must heal....the thing called time.
so i get back to it, being the old me again.
hoping never to hear the whistle of the depression train.


But it never goes far, that evil black cloud,
next time it comes, i,ll scream real load.
I BEAT YOU ONCE AND I,LL DO IT AGAIN,
I DONT HAVE A TICKET, SO I WONT RIDE ON YOUR TRAIN.

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:10

Failed Fairy Tale

They called me
Rapunzel
Since my hair fell
Right down my back
Witty, inventive
I laughed so hard
That I took scissors
And snipped away
Until it was gone
They called me
Goldilocks
For indeed I did
Have blonde hair
Amusing, original
So funny in fact
That I hit the bottle
And died it black
Blonde hair no longer
They called me
Sleeping Beauty
Because I could sleep
Wherever I was
Humorous, clever
So much so that
Now I stay awake
Throughout the night
Wishing for sleep

 


They called me
The ugly sister
As I am ugly and
I have two sisters
Hilarious, smart
It made my mouth
Ache from the smile
And my eyes burn
From unshed tears


They call me
Nothing at all
I don't matter enough
To have a name
Charming, hurtful
I'm no princess
Not even close
I failed them all
By being me


They'll call me
Stupid bitch
When they learn
That I ended it all
Shocking, confusing
For they will never
Understand why
My tale could have
No happy ending

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:08

Drowning

Drowning in a sea of tears
Weeping in my solitary space
Laughing and joking merrily
When anyone looks at me
Drowning in a sea of fear
Cowering in an empty room
Standing tall and acting brave
When anyone looks at me
Drowning in a sea of hate
Tearing my flesh in private
Smiling and showering love
When anyone looks at me

 

 


Drowning in a sea of despair
Alone I hide my confusion
Acting as if I have it figured out
When anyone looks at me


Drowning in a sea of pretence
Constantly wearing my mask
Falling apart and crumbling
If anyone looked closely

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:06

Come With Me

Come with me where tears don't fall
My heart and soul will be as new again
Take hold of my hand and heed my call
I'll take me to where it never rains
I call to myself
Easing my fear
Tempting me to
Take me there
Come with me where nothing aches
My pain will fade away to nothing
Just follow me there, that's all it takes
I'll take me where it's always spring


I call to myself
Easing my fear
Tempting me to
Take me there


Come with me where everything's good
I'll no longer have to fight so hard
And I'll never be misunderstood
I'll take me to my eternal reward


I called to myself,
Eased my fear
Convinced me to
Take me there


I lay with me as I drew my last breath
Watched as my eyes closed the last time
I accepted me as I welcomed death
I took me before I was in my prime

Tuesday, 03 March 2015 12:04

All My Fault

It's all your fault
That's what they say to me
When anything goes wrong
No matter what it is
Or where I was
When it happened
They still tell me
It's all my fault
It's all your fault
It used to hurt me deeply
It would make me cry and
Cause my heart
To break in two
But still they
Insisted that
It's all my fault


It's all your fault
And now I believe them all
It's imprinted on my brain
I don't question why
I no longer ask how
I just know that
They speak the truth
It's all my fault

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